The Twistles: Party Of 4 : Hijacked

Ok, so the title is a little dramatic.

And be warned, this is a rant for myself to get it out of my system so that I may hopefully deal with the next 3 weeks of pregnancy. Read at your own risk...

Hijacked: It's the best word I could think of to describe how I feel when I'm pregnant. I feel like the excitement of getting pregnant is God's way of masking the sacrifice you will be making for the next 10+ months, because once you are actually pregnant, there's no going back! If you were really to know every little trial you would go through during pregnancy, I'm not sure you would be so excited to get pregnant! I know I wouldn't. The thing is, and I know this is cheesy, but it is all worth it when you hold that sweet little baby in your arms for the first time. And that's God's way of saying, "I told you so."

So me and pregnancy? Yeah... we don't go so great together. I am a complete control freak. Must. Be. In. Control... I can't help it. Guess what happens when you're prego? Yep. Complete loss of all rational, physical, emotional, and mental control. I am not a "cryer", I'm usually a "deal with it and move on-er". During pregnancy, all that controlled emotion that I usually have, spills out into a big blubbery mess of emotion. Awesome.

Pregnancy Stress:

I can handle stress, and not just handle it, but I dominate it. Pregnant me... does not handle stress. I will break out in tears if there are more than 3 stressors on my plate at a time. Just the thought of having to do laundry on top of work, replacing car tires, and a cranky toddler will cause an ocean of tears to flow.

Pregnancy Pain:

I love the world we live in. Not only for all the cool technology that is always coming out, but for the fact that if I have the flu or a cold, there's a pill for that. If I have a headache/migraine, there's a pill for that, too. And if I need to sleep better, there are amazing pills for that. I run to my medicine cabinet to grab the IB profen for aches. Pregnancy pain is the worst. None of the above applies. You can however, take the magical pill called Tylenol, that is not magical at all. It has never done anything for me, and is such a disappointing drug. SO, I am forced to "deal" with the pain, which I suck at when pregnant. The last month has been the hardest, I have been in a ridiculous amount of back, ligament, groin.. OK Everything, pain. It hurts to walk, to adjust my sleeping position, or just get up off the stupid couch. This does not help with my pregnancy stress, because having to deal with pain, sleepless nights, housework, Emma (LOVE her, but so much work), finances, and vehicle repairs turns me into an emotional monster. Please, just give me something I can take for pain!!

Pregnancy Emotions:

I like to show positive emotion to those I care about. I love to love people. If I feel like cuddling with Matty, I do it. If I want to hold his hand, I do it. I like people to know how I feel, and I do that by telling them verbally or by a letter/email/text/note, etc. I strongly dislike being out of emotional control when pregnant. I don't know what the hormones do to me, but it puts a fog over my warm snuggly side, and I am surrounded by cold air. I hate being touched. That may seem dramatic, but it just happens. I am unable to feel cuddly, lovey, and express that I care about people and things. It's hard. Real hard. The happy, smiley Rachel you see when I'm pregnant is mostly forced and not essentially real. Fooled you! Ha! I have been able to get through the fog with Emma, mainly because she doesn't know any better, and there's no way for me to explain this to her. So, Yay! mini-accomplishment for me!

Pregnancy Rationale-- or lack thereof:

Nothing I think makes sense. I will have no reason to be upset, and yet I am. I feel like I have two brains when pregnant. My "normal" self that gets pushed aside and has to watch the horror from the sidelines, and then the pregnant self that takes over. Oh, example you say?

We took a Sunday drive up the canyon one day, and stopped off at Matt's work to get drinks from the machines. Matt asked, "do you want anything honey?" I thought he heard me when I replied, "yes, a Pepsi please". He didn't, and returned with his drink in hand. I had to hold back tears because I thought he had forgotten my drink (yes, you can re-read that, because it makes no sense). My normal self is yelling from the sidelines, "do NOT cry, Rachel, this is silly, he just didn't hear you!!!" and my pregnancy self takes over, tears start to form, and I feel like my world is over. Matt offers to go back up, and get me that Pepsi, but then I feel bad to make him go all the way up just for my drink (that I am still thinking he forgot). Anyways, end of story is Matt did go back up and get me that Pepsi, because he is thoughtful and kind and understanding. He also knows pregnant Rachel a little bit better now, and knew that it was in his best interest to make that second trip.

This happens quite often. I feel like my normal self is constantly screaming from the sidelines, and yet it's all mute to me. It's like one of those videos where the person is screaming at the top of their lungs, but there is no sound. My normal self is just waiting to get back in the game.

I am not that woman who LOVES pregnancy. I found that out the first time. I have a really hard time being so out of control of so many things. That is probably my biggest complaint. I feel hijacked.

The good news, is that I have an amazing partner and friend to walk through this pregnancy with. He loves me no matter what. He is patient with me when I lose my temper. He notices when I am struggling, and takes over. He gives me hugs when I need it, even though I don't think I want it. He puts his own emotional needs aside, and tries his best to understand the lack of mine. He is my best friend, and I am so lucky to be married to him.

Also, good news is that pregnancy doesn't last forever, even though it feels like it does. I will be through with these stupid hormones soon, and will have a sweet little girl to hold in just a few weeks. Again, that is what makes all of this worth it. It is why women do it over and over, because the miracle of life truly is a miracle that we make it out alive!

I've posted some pictures of this pregnancy, since I didn't take many when I was pregnant with Emma. This is keepsake for me, to have all these pictures in one place... crazy to watch that belly grow! I will be happy to get rid of that very soon!